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Archive for June, 2014

Angry, Depressed, Defiant.

by on Jun.18, 2014, under Personal

About three weeks ago I took a pretty hard dodgeball shot to the face from point blank that I didn’t see coming at all at a tournament.

There were/are spots near the top middle of my field of vision as well as the top 1/4 of my eye that I can’t really see through. It’s distorting my vision in my right eye. It’s fairly disruptive if I try to only use my right eye to the point where things in my peripheral are clear, but as soon as I try to focus on it, because of the spots, it gets distorted and I can’t really see or make it out. I was then told that it was probably bruising and that at worst it was a retinal tear. Either way, it would heal or get repaired. Fast forward three weeks and I had my specialist exam. Upon further exam I was informed that the damage is permanent. I was shown a scan of my eye and in the scan there is about 15-25% of the back of the eye where the scan is dark. For the rest of my life I am stuck with this. I am partially blind in my right eye. It pains me to say that. But the title is correct.

I am angry because I was lied to. I was told that it would be better only to be told completely different later on. If I was told this right off the bat I would have probably not been angry. That false hope is painful to deal with, but now what can you do? I don’t normally get angry, but on the way to work I let out a pretty loud swear at the hopelessness of the matter. Then I realized that I can’t really change anything.

I am depressed because I cannot change this. I am sad because this is permanent. I’ve lost vision, there is no repairing the damage, the damaged part of the eye does not regenerate, I am stuck.

I am defiant because it will not change me. It will not affect my lifestyle. I will keep playing what I love, I will just take more care of myself and take more precautions. Over 10 years later I’m going back to my high school days and wearing goggles while playing sports. The doctor told me that I would eventually get used to it and that I would eventually not notice it at all and life will continue on.

So yes, that’s the story of the day. My life is changed. It’s a fact. Acknowledge it, accept it, let’s pretend it’s not there.

Current track: Sub Focus – Tidal Wave

PS. This is why I love Trance music. I can close my eyes, listen, and problems disappear.

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